I could not begin to comprehend the journey I was to begin the night of Friday September 23rd, 2005. I had prepared for months to embark on a completely different journey. What I had been expecting was to be giving birth to a baby girl we had named Stacey Lynn and bring her home to eagerly awaiting older siblings who had been anticipating her arrival into the world. If you have ever prepared for the arrival of a child, you know all the exciting emotions that come with that. What happened was far from what was expected, especially after having had three children previously. What I remember last was going into the bathroom to put on my hospital gown and after that I woke nearly a week later in a different hospital room with only pitures of my daughter on the batheroom door across from my bed. While I was awake during that week, I have only the memories of what was shared with me by others. Thankfully my daughter Stacey lived 2 weeks after her delivery and I have those memories of time spent with her.
The time after that I refer to as "The Still Time". I literally couldn't feel myself. While I had the support of many, I felt utterly and completely alone. I couldn't eat or sleep, I was a mental and emotional basket case. A couple years later I met with a psychologist in San Fransisco that would diagnos my PTSD. And while the diagnosis was very helpful, I had already begun to treat my trauma on an intuative level. About 4 months after I had experienced the physical trauma of an Amniotic Fluid Embolism and the emotional trauma of the loss of my infant daughter a good friend had gifted me an hour massage therapy session. At the time I was experiencing a lot of pain in my face the effects of clenching my teeth, my shoulders from laying in a fetal postion while attempting to sleep and a great deal of fatigue from the lack of sleep. I had no expectation of the massage session but to say my first experience was good would be an understatement. It was the first time in months that I felt present in my body and I actually slept that night. I would later learn about trauma and it's affects on the mind body connection I would also come to understand how massage helps to restore that connection. Massage was am intregal part of my healing; among the other therapies I would use on my journey.
"The Final stage of healing is to use what happens to you
to help other peple." ~Gloria Steinem
After a year of recieving massage, I took another step in my journey; that was to enroll in masssage school. I wanted to provide for others what had been such a gift to me.
Massage is much more than a job or profession for me, it is my passion and lifes work. Trauma permanently changes us. You don't get over it. It disrupts all preception of normalcy, you don't go back to an old you. Healing from trauma means the long hard work of finding new strength and joy.